Thursday, November 03, 2005

Do you take it anally or orally?

this has GOT to be the fucking dumbest thing I have ever read.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Look at your watch now, Your still a super hot female

If you were to become a stripper, what would your "break-out" song be?
I think I would either go for "lick' by Joi, or "Living dead girl" by rob zombie.
Just a thought. now all I have to do is go buy some silicone boobies, and lose all sense morals (well, my dear friend Jose cuervo could handle that.)
I think the only thing that is still stopping me from becoming a dancer is that this state is so small, I am sure I would "bump" into someone that my father works with, if not himself...Hey, you have to think of the absolute worst situstion possible to snap you back into reality.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

To my animal loving friends and family

1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.
8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.
9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.
10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Tao of moms (beach edition)

All of these quotes I heard from mothers at the beach today. They were yelled at high "mom" decibal, so only small children, dogs, and howler monkeys could understand them.

1. "Is the water cold?"

2. " Well, if the water is cold, don't go in it then!"

3. "IF you don't stop whining, You will go sit in the car....and NO DVD watching while your in there!!" (well, I DO hope she at LEAST cracks the window!)

4. Asked by another mother how many kids she had, one mother answered.."I am currantly serving two life sentences."

5. "If you don't stop hitting katie, I will come down there and crack your ass!!"

6. and MY favorite.." go wash the sand off your feet, then get up here and PUT YOUR SHOES ON!!!!!"

Friday, July 01, 2005

open letter to a 'best friend'

apparently she doesn't need my services as a friend now that hubby is back from deployement.
she is too busy wrapped up in him and making his life as comfortable as possible. She forgets the strong, beautiful, woman she became while he was gone. thats too bad. she sure did shine....
I miss her daughter terribly.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Miss Kayley

I am doing something right. For all the abrupt changes I have imposed upon my 11 year old daughters life, She STILL managed to pull in A's and B's on her report card, and pass into the fifth grade. I am SO happy!

Monday, June 20, 2005

Ode to a mole...

Today, was pretty eventful. My son and I held a funeral....For a mole.
My cat Bella, the avid hunter that she is, brought us back a mole from her morning excursion.
um..Thanks kitty! My son was witness to this, and was rather saddened. So, what else was I to do, but explain the great 'circle of life' and then we lay the mole to rest.
My son dug a hole under one of our pines, and we buried him. I said the Lords Prayer, and the Bedtime prayer...Yeah, I was winging it..I don't usually hold funerals.
we put a stick and a pine cone as his marker on the ground. It was a lovely ceremony. I DID wear a black bikini. So that has to count for something.
An hour later as I lay in the sun, This child was hovering over me with this poor mole by the tail. "mumma, maybe he just needs a drink of water." he said. he proceede to tell me that the body was not bleeding, so he couldn't be dead. I then called the cause of death, "heart attack" then proceeded to take the mole away from him, offering to RE bury. Yup, he is in the trash can now. No 'pet semetary' shit going on in THIS 'hood.